48 Years Together: Lessons on Love, Friendship, and Commitment from Nearly Half a Century of Marriage

College students think of marriage a lot. But as time passes, a married couple doesn’t think about it as much.

That is until anniversaries make their annual appearance. That’s what happened to Vickie and me this week.

On Wednesday, we will celebrate 48 years.

We got married in the year of America’s bicentennial. Vickie’s mother told her she could not get married until she was 20. Her 20th birthday took place on May 12th and three days later we had a wedding. (I was the youngster at 19!)

Now, as we approach 48 (with the footfalls of 50 growing louder), it is hard to imagine it has been 48 years. The saying goes, “The days are long but the years are short.”

Several years ago, we dined out on our anniversary. The server (a young lady in her 20s) asked, “What is the secret to marriage?” (It jolted her that people could stay married.)

So what does it take to make 48 years?

Friendship Foundation

When the waitress asked me what our secret was, my first answer was, “We are the best of friends.”

I still like that answer.

Arthur Brooks, the Harvard professor describes his own marriage of 30 years. He said that he and his wife don’t love each other, they like each other as well.

The Genesis account of God’s creation of man and woman reveals this deep but overlooked idea. God made Adam sleep and took from him a rib and put it in the creature called “woman.” Adam knew the woman was what life lacked. She had his rib. God said that she was a helper “fit” for him. In short, she completed him in a way nothing does.

I can think of better definitions of friendship—someone who completes you.

The physical attractiveness of youth fades. Wrinkles etch smooth skin. Hair loses luster and color. “Huh” has become the major communication tool as age-related hearing loss occurs.

If you don’t have your spouse as your friend, you miss the essence of living a long life.

Friendship needs even more…it takes commitment.

First Things First

Dr. Karl Pillemer interviewed older people to mine their lessons for living in his book 30 Lessons for Living,

One person said it best. Commitment to marriage is more important than a commitment to your spouse.

What happens when tension takes place in marriage? If you are not committed to marriage, it is easy to let go because of the commitment to your spouse.

We had neighbors several years ago who got a divorce. I never understood it until a curbside conversation opened my eyes. The woman was there to pick up some things and she gave a reason without us asking. She said, “One day, I woke up and looked at him and said, ‘EEEWE!!” and that is when I knew it was over.”

Every marriage has its “EEWE” moments. Staying committed to marriage keeps you committed to your spouse in those moments.

But even the most committed need to face change well.

Stay Flexible

I did premarital counseling with a couple. An instrument they used gauged where they were alike and where they were different. They could not have been more opposite. When I explained that some of these things might create tension, the bride-to-be said, “He will change for me.” (I had to suppress the approaching belly laugh!)

One partner doesn’t have to change, both do…and all the time. No one gets their way all the time and those who expect it will encounter a tsunami of hurt.

When we both retired last year, we came to an understanding. Each of us is free to do as we need to. It is a way of staying flexible and not falling into rigid requirements. One can stay home while the other runs errands. Neither has to conform to unspoken expectations.

One writer said of marriage, “You have to find the ‘we’ in marriage, not the ‘me’ in marriage.”

Marriage is joyous when you make it that way. Marriage is miserable if you make it miserable. Don’t expect your spouse to make you happy. Together, blend two lives into happiness.

One last thing…happy 48th anniversary Vickie. I love you and expect many more years.